Back at it.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Wow. It has been a long time since I have blogged. Life is crazy right now, but I think it's good to document the craziness. Writing is great outlet for me to do this and lately I have been learning so much. Rather than catch everyone up on the last few months let me just sum it up for you.

1. I was pregnant
2. It was HOT
3. I had a baby
4. We have been so blessed with amazing family/friends
5. Our baby is cute, but she is not perfect - I am learning that's ok.

So we are in the midst of a huge life change right now. We welcomed Lila Jane into our world on September 7th. Actually, we welcomed her on December 28th 2011 when I stopped at Walgreens on the way to work to pick up one of "those" tests. Then, as luck would have it I had to go back home to get something so I did not actually take the pregnancy test AT work - but at home - where it was freaking positive. I called Josh right away. We weren't necessarily trying, but we were ok if it happened. And it happened FAST.  And then I had to give up wine, soft cheese, hot yoga, regular pants, comfortable sleeping and then eventually my job.

So here we are in September and the baby is here and I am still not back in regular pants or doing hot yoga or sleeping - and last week when we thought we'd sneak out for a date night (and some wine?) well Lila cried the whole night and it didn't happen.

Yesterday a dear friend came to drop off some DVDs for me to watch as I breastfeed. So sweet. She was wearing a pencil skirt and cute shoes and had just got off work. She had gone to Starbucks that day. What a career woman. And I thought back a few years when I was doing PR and had business trips, was 30 pounds thinner and I wore cute pants from Banana Republic and had a whole collection of pointy toed heels (they were said to be slimming). And I kind of longed for that life again. Instead I was in sweatpants and a nursing tank and I had a messy house.

I can't really wrap up all these thoughts in a bow. God didn't teach me some amazing lesson and here I am 24 hours later content and smiling. It's a struggle. We were up till 3 am with a crying baby. And a crying mama. We are in a new season of life and I have to figure out life in this season. I have to figure out God's purpose for THIS season. Because it's here. In my face.

What gifts and talents has God given me that he wants me to use in this season? It seems like in each season God brings out your gifts and talents differently. Six months ago, I might have used my talent of writing to write an email. Now, I use it to update a blog. My gift of compassion will come thru when my baby is hurting at 2 am and I want to make her feel better. It's never been used in that way before. So in one sense I am looking forward to seeing where God takes me in THIS season, but it's hard not to look back at past seasons and wish I was there.

So I will remind myself of this TRUTH...

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,  press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Phil 3:12-14" 

And here is our little muffin Lila. 

Where I've been

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Well hello long neglected blog. I feel like the lamest blogger and crafter in the world, but I think for the last 6 weeks I have been in a frozen state. Most of you know about this...

Seeing those two pink lines on a pregnancy test came as a bit of a shock and I don't know why - but I haven't been able to pour myself into much of anything. Except napping. I have become very passionate about that.

Truth is... I have been feeling a little anxiety and worry over the next oh, 18 years. And 7 months. I mean, I've never been a MOM before. I've never even had a younger sibling to take care of. I was always the youngest child... and then out of college I didn't get married, but i worked. I was a writer, I edited, I did public relations, I wore blazers, I got a cubicle, I went on business trips. And was very independent. But then life changed. And it was good...but it was different.

And now life is changing once again. And soon I will be a full time mom. And I get that I will still work. There will be diapers and feedings and cleaning and it will be hard...but it will be different than the work I do now. It just will.

I won't be going into an office. I won't have pretty file folders and post its and a labeler that is my very own. I won't start my day with email. I won't have to order toner or plan any meetings. They are small things. But I will miss them.

So yeah, I feel like I am in this state of almost grieving the loss of one season of life but also excited for this new little person that God is knitting together...but still, there's the fear. The fear I will lose my identity. The fear that my identity is misplaced to begin with. My true identity is in Christ. I can't forget that.

All of life is sacred. All of life has value. From coordinating camps to changing diapers to sitting at a desk to making dinner. We can do all those things in a way that glorifies the Lord. And everything we do should be for the glory of Christ.

So yeah, that's where I am at. I haven't figured it all out yet. But writing really does help me get my thoughts out there.

Anyways, here's where I hope to be sometime soon. A woman clothes herself in strength who "Laughs without fear of the future" I am not there yet...but hopefully God will help me get there:)