Seeing those two pink lines on a pregnancy test came as a bit of a shock and I don't know why - but I haven't been able to pour myself into much of anything. Except napping. I have become very passionate about that.
Truth is... I have been feeling a little anxiety and worry over the next oh, 18 years. And 7 months. I mean, I've never been a MOM before. I've never even had a younger sibling to take care of. I was always the youngest child... and then out of college I didn't get married, but i worked. I was a writer, I edited, I did public relations, I wore blazers, I got a cubicle, I went on business trips. And was very independent. But then life changed. And it was good...but it was different.
And now life is changing once again. And soon I will be a full time mom. And I get that I will still work. There will be diapers and feedings and cleaning and it will be hard...but it will be different than the work I do now. It just will.
I won't be going into an office. I won't have pretty file folders and post its and a labeler that is my very own. I won't start my day with email. I won't have to order toner or plan any meetings. They are small things. But I will miss them.
So yeah, I feel like I am in this state of almost grieving the loss of one season of life but also excited for this new little person that God is knitting together...but still, there's the fear. The fear I will lose my identity. The fear that my identity is misplaced to begin with. My true identity is in Christ. I can't forget that.
All of life is sacred. All of life has value. From coordinating camps to changing diapers to sitting at a desk to making dinner. We can do all those things in a way that glorifies the Lord. And everything we do should be for the glory of Christ.
So yeah, that's where I am at. I haven't figured it all out yet. But writing really does help me get my thoughts out there.
Anyways, here's where I hope to be sometime soon. A woman clothes herself in strength who "Laughs without fear of the future" I am not there yet...but hopefully God will help me get there:)
7 comments:
I can totally relate to all those emotions. We tried for a long time to get pregnant and when we finally did I had many moments of random freak-out about everything from finances to quitting my job. It is totally normal. Praying for you and your new little one, what a blessing!
Everyone will tell you this, but this change is going to rock your world in the most beautifully exciting and difficult and wonderful way. You are so blessed. I think it is okay to "mourn" the passing of one part of your life into the next phase too. Congratulations!!!
You are a beautiful example of a Proverbs 31 woman! You are going to be such a great mom and such a strong model for your child to look up to! I can't wait to watch that season of your life unfold <3
We're so excited for your family. You truly are going to be a great mommy! And, I can already picture your home filled with lots of love, lots of crafts, and lots of cuteness! And, your blazer comment made me lol!!!!
Congratulations! I so understand the mixed feelings. Once a granny told me my baby was fussy because I'd been unhappy about the pregnancy. :-) I was scared spitless, yet 5 kids later, I can only say that God knew what He was doing way above anything I could have imagined. He "works in mysterious ways, His wonders to perform."
stumbled upon your blog and loved this post! I will definitely be checking back. As a momma to 4, I can tell you that big changes are coming- some will be scary but it pales in comparison to the pure joy. God is in control and that scripture is one of my FAVES!
Blessings to you mama! You're in for the best ride of your life :)
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